“It’s a fine day for a ball game here at Squishy Weed Stadium. We are witnessing another battle royal in the long and storied rivalry between the New York Dog Catchers and the Philadelphia Cat Fanciers. A classic pitching duel. We are still scoreless after four innings.”

“I can’t believe the ump called that pitch a strike. That was way outside. The last two pitches before that were in the strike zone but called balls. He shouldn’t be umping little league.”

“As a former big league pitcher you would know a lot about the strike zone.”

“I sure do. The umping is a disgrace. No wonder this game is scoreless. Batters are swinging at everything because they have no idea where the home plate ump’s strike zone is.”

“A man in a suit carrying a brief case is walking towards home place. He is talking to the ump. He has taken some papers from his briefcase. He’s handing the papers to the ump.”

“Here we go. First lawsuit of the game.”

“I can understand the players’ frustration. There are a lot of productivity bonuses at stake.”

“Wait. Another lawyer is heading towards the Cat Fanciers’ dugout. It looks like the manager is being served.”

“Another lawsuit? When I was coming up in the game we had none of this stuff. We didn’t even have concussion protocols. If someone on the team got beaned by a pitch on purpose there was no litigation. We just had a bench clearing brawl. Afterwards we’d all be like ‘good game’. Any ill feelings stayed in the stadium. Hell, after the game half of us would go out drinking together. If any fights broke out at the bar it would be with fans, not other players.”

“It’s a different game today.”

“It sure is. Everyone’s a millionaire and they’re all lawyered up.”

“The umpires aren’t millionaires.”

“That’s because they suck. If they were better at it maybe they’d get paid more.”

“They might even get their own trading cards.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. Umpires are not the stars of the game though they might think they are.”

“The game is still delayed as lawyers are still on the field.  The original two have been joined by a third lawyer from the Cat Fancier’s dugout and what may be a lawyer from the umpires’ union. A heated discussion is going on. They are really going at. I can see tempers are flaring. This does not look good. Oh, here we go. One of the lawyers had thrown a punch. Now two of them are going at it, slapping and punching. One of the other lawyers just hit one of them with her briefcase.  Now lawyers are pouring from both dugouts and from the stands. I have never seen so many suits in a slug fest. It’s total mayhem on the diamond.”

“The teams are leaving the field for the safety of their dugouts.”

“What was that? A spinning hook kick?”

“We’ve got part playground fight part Bruce Lee movie going on down there.”

“The fans are eating it up.”

“They’re on their feet in the stands, cheering them on.”

“How can they tell which lawyer represents which client?”

“I don’t think anyone can tell that at this point. It is all about the pure energy of a fight.”

“Just like hockey in its glory days.”

“One way to liven up a pitching duel.”

“Oh no. Police are coming out on the field trying to break up the fight.”

“They’re swinging their batons.”

“The lawyers aren’t giving an inch.”

“The courts will be busy with this one.”

“Fans are throwing trash on the field.”

“Paddy wagons are driving onto the field.”

“ACLU activists are staging a protest in the picnic area.”

“The umpires are huddling together in center field. Looks like they’re calling the game.”

“I guess we’ll be making this game up as part of a double header later in the season.”

“The fans are booing the decision.”

“Not many people are heading for the exits yet.”

“No. The game may be over but there’s too much excitement on the field. I hope our television viewers are seeing this.”

“I’m sure more people are turning to the game now.”

“Lawyers are down! Lawyers are down on the field!”

“Here comes an ambulance.”

“What a game. What a game.”

“It’s a travesty. This is not baseball. It’s not the game I remember. It’s not the game I played.”

“Yes it is. Times change. Rules change. But baseball is always baseball. America’s game. The boys of summer. When you watch a game you see skill, achievement, victory and tragedy. It is a window on humanity. That’s why it is here to stay.”

“It’s more fun on the sandlot when you’re twelve.”

“Maybe to play, but not for the viewing public.”

“Whatever. I’m taking off the mic hand heading to the bar.”

“You have to watch every minute of a baseball game. You never know what’s going to happen.”