There was a women’s movement going on out there, but it hadn’t yet entered my house.  My mother and grandmother did not even feel the right to wear pants though they had in their youth.  There were so many unwritten rules.

One day, I went skipping to Grandma in the kitchen. 

“Grandma, Grandma!  I just won Igor at checkers!” 

Her face dropped from neutral to very disapproving.  I wondered if she heard me wrong.

“Grandma, I won.  I won Igor!”

“You’re not s’posed to.  Don’t you know that?  You must always let the man win.”

“Man?  Igor is in fourth grade, like me.  He’s not a man.”

I walked back to the other room.  I didn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to win.  My mother, who taught me how to play checkers, would’ve had a big smile.

When I was in kindergarten and my mother was off from work one day, she came to pick me up from school instead of Grandma.  I was so surprised and happy.  I ran to her.  I wanted her to see my boyfriend Freddie, though he really had no knowledge that he was my boyfriend. 

“There he is!”  I pointed to Freddie.  Then I darted over to him and landed a big kiss on his cheek.  He turned red.  I looked back at my mother.  She had a huge smile. 

When I was seven, I had to leave the Bronx and live with my oldest aunt in Queens for half of second grade.  She had two boys and a girl.  The girl was about five years older than me.  We were treated very differently.  One morning, after the girl used her mother’s bedroom mirror, I decided to also.  I wasn’t tall enough to see myself in the bathroom mirror above the sink.  I realized I hadn’t seen myself in a long time.  We normally were not welcome in my aunt and uncle’s bedroom.  I figured I could if my cousin did.  So I finally got to see myself, my messy hair pushed away from my face with a headband.  My face, the gap between my two front teeth, my chapped lips, my attempt to smile. 

My aunt appeared suddenly, screaming at me.  It wasn’t about being in her room, though.

“Why are you looking at yourself in the mirror for so long?!  What business does a girl your age have looking in the mirror for so long!!??  At your age?!”

I don’t think I even cried.  I was shocked.  In Grandma’s house, there were mirrors.  No one was in trouble for seeing what they look like.  Grandma often got mad if someone didn’t bother to put on lipstick before going outside.  She’d say, “A little lipstick brightens up your whole face.”

When I was around ten, my grandmother wasn’t feeling too well and often stayed in bed.  I liked to surprise her and try to make her happy.  Sometimes I’d do all the dishes in the sink which were usually a lot.  She’d say that I gave her a “lift.”  One day, I decided to clean the bathroom.  When she got up and saw it, she said, “A man is really going to love you someday.”